Just Let Me -- G -- Indoctrinate You!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dear America,

Happy Wednesday...

aka National Hump Day for this presidency.

I wonder what we will be chatting about tomorrow? 
Will he do it?  Will he crack us one more time? 

Will His Eloquency turn the tide, make peace with the prevailing winds of disaster, and bring down the house in shouts of praise and adoration -- only for the hour he speaks -- or will it be a lasting impression, one that can survive under the rubble of an America we can no longer recognize, and bring new life in all of us (not just to those who idolize the man)?

We shall see.

One thing I would like to hear is an apology...

My fellow Americans,

I am deeply saddened by my behavior over the last several months, dating back to the very first day in office.  I never should have said I would close Gitmo right out of the gate -- that was naive of me, and only showed the world just how unprepared I was to take the nation's highest honor, that of being Commander in Chief.  Make no mistake -- The world -- it's complicated.

My other not so finest hour was bowing to world powers all over the place, embarrassing myself and this great country of ours and apologizing for a few things that actually make America truly remarkable...now that was acting stupidly...  So let me be clear about this -- I know now, for I  have seen it in action over the last couple of weeks in Haiti -- that our compassion for all people, not just ourselves runs far and wide in this wonderful land of the free and home of the brave.  I have never been more proud to be President of this country than I am right now.  [and maybe even showing some emotion here]

I realize -- while it may have taken some time, I know -- but I realize just how great the nation I inherited truly is. I have inherited, by virtue of your trust and confidence, a mighty nation who serves and stands for one thing -- and that, my fellow Americans, is Freedom -- liberty and justice for all.  I would like to take a moment and give a little shout out to footsteps I follow, G-Dub, thank you for creating the opportunity for me to come in, for passing along to me not only my greatest challenge but an extraordinary gift.  Thank you [motioning a chest pump and a salute towards Texas].

I realize, too, that I have veered more often than I should have in this first year, taken my eye off the ball -- what comes to mind in this moment of reflection, is the err to hop across the pond, taking with me a jet full of celebrity and arrogance, only to be shut down by the powers that be who apparently were mightier than me.  I wanted Chicago to win the bid so bad, I could have tasted it...I sure wish I could blame Bushie for this one, but in any event, Rio, I wish you every success that should have been mine, no hard feelings, yo?

I know, too, that I said in July, we had to have a health care package before I would let anyone in congress leave for their summer vacation -- then I said  we have plenty of time -- then Pelosi said we didn't -- then Reid said it had to be done before thanksgiving, before Christmas, before the State of the Union -- oops, that's tonight -- moveon.org shall we...So here we are, no health care yet, but make no mistake, we will have it, just not sure when, this is hard, being in charge of a bunch of bumbling idiots that only make me look bad. 

Rest assured, I am listening to you -- all of you, even you tea party fanatics and all you old people with nothing better to do but attend a town hall meeting when the better thing to do would be to take a vacation -- you know like normal people,go to Europe or Hawaii -- maybe that only happens for people I surround myself with, don't know. 

Anyway, I hear you loud and clear:  you don't want this 1 Trillion dollar health care package that still won't fix the problems and still won't cover the uninsured -- I get that.  I will only do what's in your best interests -- deficit neutral, even if I have to fudge the numbers -- and it must not burden our children, only the rich kids...only kidding -- really, I hear you.  It may not look like it, but I hear everything you say.  It only appears like I am ignoring you -- it only seems that way because I have inherited such a mess I know nothing about.  

Seriously, I know in the campaign I sounded ready to take it all on -- including Afghanistan, that that was the war we had to win, that was where our resources and attention should be all along;  I knew,  being a part of congress and all, that good ole Barney Frank there, and Chris Dodd [pointing out to the left side], put us in harms way with the Fannie and Freddie fiasco -- I knew what was going in. 

As a Senator, I watched our nation go further into debt to save special banks and insurance companies and investment bankers -- it's not like I didn't know what was going on, ya know.  I was there.  I saw the writing on the wall -- as I'm just that good -- and I still wanted this job -- how's that for showing a little commander in chief special qualities, huh? I saw the dangers lurking on every horizon and didn't think twice about it.  In spite of all the troubles and all the nation's worries and all of the immediate actions it would require of me, I wanted this job, more than I wanted Chicago to host the Olympics -- and my ability to take it ALL ON AT ONCE should speak for itself and prove my every good intention and the faith I have in my own abilities.

One thing I wish I could take back were all the times I said on my campaign that I would put the health care debate on C-Span -- nix-ay on the upid stay -- clearly, I made a mistake here and wish for goodness sake I could just take them all back -- all six, eight, who do we appreciate, each and every one of them.  Enough said. 

No, it's not enough -- I guess by now you have figured out that the honorable Mr. Wilson was right about a little thing under wraps and undercover in the old health care bill, the HR3020, the one that didn't make the cut -- if we were on C-span the whole time, you would know just how right he was, but I digress.  SO let's just have a rounding chorus of "you lie" here all at once and get it out of the way...on a count of three...

As we have learned desperately over the course of the last year, in order to move forward we must not look back, ever.  Even if that requires of us to disavow every promise we made to ourselves at the birth of this great nation.  Our founding fathers -- those crazy characters whom so many of you cling to at will and unafraid --could no more come up with a health care plan either, okay? They didn't know then, and certainly wouldn't have a clue now, what it takes to prosper and grow a modern world -- have no idea...as we're not talkin just about America anymore. are we?  No, we have higher aspirations, a higher calling, and stronger urgency about us and evils we must fight -- the overbearing live free or die patriots amongst us.  Holding tight there to your guns and religion, I see, and posing a more serious threat than I previously thought.

Oh darn it, some of your children may be listening, to all you kids -- read your American history [looking down and without conviction], it's important [clearing his throat as it is really hard to put it to words], just keep it in perspective and understand that progress requires us to take a more progressive stance, if you will, it's not like they were bad, or evil, or lacked intelligence, they could only do so much, you know, and this goes for your folks, too...  Now we must sally forth and change everything, in order to make a more perfect union, as the one in place holds way too many limitations.

Moving along, considering how important the war on human error, not terror, is to the security of this great country, we have had to make some changes -- we have had to take action immediately --except for that tragedy beyond comprehension at Fort Hood [hey hey up there findng his beautiful wife, Michele, and letting the audience applause for Sargent's Munley and Toddand that tiny little flair up on Christmas day in Detroit -- all of my grand and glorious efforts have centered around this task right from the start, don't you see that?  I wish it didn't take so long to meet with my newly appointed General McCrystal.  I managed to find an hour on the tarmac in between the big diss from the Olympic Committee and much needed R&R in Paris.  But, what's done, is done.

The task of bringing in 30,000 more troops was daunting; that took time, but I had to reassure my constituency that the decision was not taken too lightly or too hard [making him think of a beer commercial in his head and cracking an inappropriate corner smile].  Oh my friends, it was all about how I would look, you know, and I didn't want to err in either direction -- which is why when I finally made the announcement in front of all of you cadets out there at West Point, that I appeared bored with myself, I wanted to look like that.  TO give too much emotion would have made me look like a war-monger, anything less, would have put you to sleep [ah oh] maybe we should just continue...

I do have a vision for America's future; but right now, I'm just having a hard time not understanding why you all aren't happy with just allowing me do what I wanna do.  Remember, I was the one who told you that we were "five days away from fundamentally transforming America"  -- what part of that did you not understand?  My mother and father were both socialists, people.  Hello?  What did you think you were gonna get when you hired me?

But all that aside -- especially, every act of desperation of the last year --  I want to give you all jobs.  That's what my goal is today -- the government is hiring all kinds of people right now, and as the fastest growing employer, we are proud to say that we offer the best benefits money can buy, because we can, because we don't really pay for anything, you actually do, but that's not the point I wanna make here.  I can make jobs happen and on the seventh day, I will rest  -- as I have earmarked and invested 787 Billion dollars on you to make it happen -- adjusting for the recent increase in the actual cost of that program via our fine officers of the Congressional Budget Office, we're a little off, it costs about 75 Billion more than we first thought, poppycock, details.  And doncha know, I'm gonna put a freeze on everything we really don't need from here on out.

I have a vision, a dream if you will, that all of us will share everything we have -- equally and proportionately to every one's ability -- so that all Americans can be beholden to the same dream, the same ideals, the same wish that not one American stands out over another.  Our greatness should be of equal portion -- our compassion should look the same for all -- our homes should shelter a robotic nation proud to create children indoctrinated by a school system who blatantly changes history right before our eyes.  That they should grow up and live in a world where America is just one small piece of the global economy -- one that prioritizes the needs of third world countries over the gluttony of the western world; that our children become attorney's to settle the score for all the disenchanted, become doctor's making minimum wage out of the goodness of their own heart, and work for green companies, and green companies only, all the rest of you need not apply, or become actors.

This is the American dream I will protect all the days of my presidency; I will not give up...while if any of you think I'm tired yet, guess again, I'm just getting started.

So on this day, may we push the re-set button and press forward, leaving the days of yore gone in sixty seconds, welcoming in a new era, and collectively enjoying the fruits of our labor all together, and separately, according to every special interest and lobby known to man -- just one more thing I said I would never let in the front door, but truth is, one lie just leads to another, it's complicated like that, which is how this day got started.   I better stop while I think I'm still ahead in the polls.

Thank you, America, for putting your faith in me.
God Bless you and may God Bless America, or not,
praise Allah,
peace be with you,
Oh my, and to Hopenhagen -- almost nearly forgot -- my most heartfelt apology cries out to you yet, as I thought it would have been enough just for me to show up -- may I offer up my sincere condolences.  While you must know,  you live forever in our hearts and minds. 
Oh snap, and to Coakley, Deeds and what's that other guy, the one from Jersey, right, Corzine -- mia culpa, my friends, better luck next time, my advice is to do a little something that I like to do and blame it on Bush -- as make no mistake,  it just couldn't have anything to do with me.  

So, we will see what the big guy says -- one thing's for sure, no matter what comes out of his mouth, it will not dissappoint.

Make it a Good Day, G

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